The War On Christmas

I used to like Christmas. It was a lovely holiday celebrated with one major parade, some lights and some presents on the actual day, after which the holiday would disappear for about eleven months. It might have a brief resurgence as an mattress and/or Toyota-event in July but that’s about it. It was fine. Yes, there was more religion involved but it wasn’t over the top. You almost didn’t even need to know Jesus was involved.

Fast forward to today. Christmas starts sometime in mid-August and ends in late-February with a fairly lengthy resurgences in April, usually as a mattress sale, and again in June and July as almost anything. There are Christmas movies not just in theaters but also on almost every television channel. How many mention religion? Maybe one-in-ten.

In an attempt to regain some logic and sanity, there has been a group of people who try to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” but they have been met with scorn, ridecule and a hatred that is greater than any felt on the planet. Considering this is a planet that has produced pedophiles, spousal abuse and actual Nazis, that is rather impressive.

So, here’s my take on the So-Called “War On Christmas.”

1) It’s not a war on “Christmas.” The holiday itself, as aforementioned, is lovely. Peace on Earth actually being practiced? Yes, please. Let’s have more of that. And we don’t have to limit that part to this particular holiday. Us atheists practice it year round (hint hint).

It’s a war on the length of the holiday. The holiday, allegedly, has 12-days. I’m sure you’ve heard the song of the same name. It’s called that for a reason. It starts on the 25th of December and ends on the 6th of January. Christmas Eve is a thing and I understand that. Setting up during the Advent season I understand as well.

I should explain since some people don’t know what Advent is. Advent is the four weeks leading up to Christmas. It’s part of the Christian religion. So it should last about ONE month. It doesn’t. That’s why there’s a “war.” It lasts WAY too long. But that Christian thing leads me to…

2) It’s not a celebration of Christmas. Christmas was the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Remember him? The Savior of Christianity? His name is part of Christmas. There’s no religion to it anymore. It’s all commercial. Jesus was the reason for the season, but now the almighty dollar and mass commercialism has replaced the religious icon.

I’m not Christian and I think the Christian “faith” has pushed itself way too far and is asserting entirely too much into every facet of life, but surely, in a religious holiday such as Christmas, he should be in there somewhere, right? I’m not advocating the promotion of little baby Jesus statues everywhere. Christians haven’t gotten that image correct in millennia. (Hint: He’s not white.) But having him at least put in a cameo might be a good idea. After all, it is his birthday. Or when it’s celebrated anyway. I hear it’s really in April, but that’s liberal nonsense… or science… or something like that.

3) The decimation of other holidays should never have happened. The first holiday I notice get swallowed by Christmas was Thanksgiving. It still exists, but there just isn’t a whole lot of Thanksgiving celebrating going on except on Thanksgiving itself. Then, Halloween disappeared. My local grocery store usually only carries certain items once a year and I’m speaking specifically of the Monster Cereals. My wife loves Count Chocula. (I was a Boo-Berry fan myself but…) My local stores didn’t carry them this year. Instead, we got “Christmas Berry Cap’n Crunch” – In October. Which brings me nicely back to the length of the holiday, or, at least another aspect of it.

4) You need a month to celebrate your savior? Sure. Go ahead. Don’t overdo it and make it mandatory for everyone to participate though. It is everywhere. Grocery stores, car lots, doctor’s offices, television stations. You can’t escape it. Everything’s gone red and green, which has to be a nightmare for color-blind people. Remember how I mentioned I’m not Christian? I started hearing Christmas carols in SEPTEMBER!! Not only is that WAY too early, I feel like I was violated. I feel that way when I walk into almost any store these days. I feel like I’m being raped by Christmas. It’s a great idea, as I’ve said, but it doesn’t have to be EVERYWHERE! I don’t have to ALWAYS listen to Christmas Carols. Oh, yeah, that brings me to…

5) What the hell is up with Christmas Carols? You’ve probably noticed this but there are two kinds of Christmas Carols. The one’s that actually mention Christ himself are slow and miserable songs. People complain about the Emo stuff that exists today, but have you heard the tone of these songs? Even “Little Drummer Boy,” which sounds like it should be a lively song, is ba-rum-pa-pum-pum depressing. Conversely, the one’s that don’t mention Jesus at all are positively upbeat. Jingle Bells? No Jesus. Happy song. Deck the Halls? No Jesus. Happy song. Hark! The Herald Angel Sings? There’s Jesus. Not so much a happy song. Then there’s Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, but that song is just wrong on a number of levels. So, no, that song can f*ck off.

With all of that being said (or typed), I hope you Christians can understand why you think we think we’re at war with you. We’re not at war with you, at all. We just want you to tone it down a bit. Think of it this way. If your neighbor is playing his/her music too loud, you call the police and have them turn it down, right? Well, you Christians are playing your holiday several levels above “way too loud” that makes it borderline theological rape. Would you mind turning it down a bit and keeping it to yourselves? Except the goodwill toward everyone bit, keep that, and practice it year round. You don’t need a birthday to remind you that you should be nice to everyone. Give that a shot and we’ll call off the war. Deal?


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