Set Phrases for Obsolete

There are some phrases that are used frequently, almost daily by some, and I don’t think people have quite thought them through. They really don’t make a whole lot of sense. I’ve decided to compile a list of them for the purpose of showing why they don’t work in hopes that we’ll find something to replace them with.

Until the cows come home

Where is a cow’s home? It’s a field. They don’t live in houses. They don’t live in barns. They might work in a barn but when they’re done it’s back to the field. When do they actually leave home? Or do they even leave? The only time I’ve ever see a cow leave voluntarily is to go to another field. Then, wouldn’t that just mean the cow moved? Their new home would be the new field, right? So, the cow never really left so doing something until the cows come home means you stop pretty much immediately because, well, it never left. And going to the barn to get milked is just like going to work. “We’re gonna do it until the cows come home!” Oh, the end of the work day. Got it.

The only time a cow really leaves home is when it’s taken to one of those places where you kill them for their beef. In which case, the cow isn’t come home… at least, not as a cow. A steak, maybe. Some hamburgers. Maybe even some nice beef ribs. But never, really, as a cow again.

Therefore, in my head, this phrase never really works since the cows never leave home or never actually return. Either way, it’s probably best to stop what you’re doing unless you want to do it forever… or maybe never start it in the first place. How’s this? Pick another phrase since this one doesn’t really work.

We’re going to run some tests.

Are you? Are you really? Run? I’ve have never seen tests run. I usually hear this in conjunction with a doctor in an office. “We’re going to run some tests.” They take the blood they need and leave it in a test tube rack for a week while they do paperwork, go on vacation to Bermuda, read “War & Peace.” (The abridged version – I mean, they don’t take THAT long.) But that doesn’t really mean the tests are run, now, does it?

Sauntered. That’s more of the leisurely pace tests are done in. “We’re going to saunter some tests.” That seems more the speed. How about “conducted” tests? That seems more appropriate. Conducted much in the same way a conductor waves his baton at an orchestra playing “Braham’s Lullaby.” Slowly, lackadaisically, and sedatively. Although, I think sauntered works better.

The best of both worlds.

I find this one quite amusing since it is used almost exclusively (at least in my life) by people who don’t believe there is another world. There’s Earth and nothing else habitible because “god” didn’t get around to making it so the best of both worlds is only half live-in-able… or half dead. Meaning we’d be completely dead if we had both worlds. And that’s the BEST of both worlds. What if it’s near the best of one and crap of the other?

There will be more of these. Pretend it’s a series.


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